Love
September 30, 2005When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you, yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you, believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
–excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet
linger
I’m so damn dozy
You’re so damn slow.
Wouldn’t want to linger here
Anylonger than before.
Hurry, hurry, or you’ll miss
Miss what’s out to see
My candle flame is slowly
Dying with ling’ring plea.
I’m so damn dozy,
But still ling’ring on the floor,
Hurry, hurry, the flames’ a-dying!
Don’t make me say, “you never saw.”
on freedom ( a philo reflection)
September 27, 2005
Are humans free? Are we entitled to do everything we wanted to do, we wanted to accomplish, we wanted to get, everywhere we wanted to arrive at? Do we have the complete assurance that nobody is in control? What about our liabilities? Our weaknesses and shortcomings? Do they say that we are not free?
A few days ago, I had to absent myself from school due to an incessant pain in my upper right abdomen. After running series of tests advised by four different medical experts, we found out that it was because my right kidney cannot anymore hold a valuable amount of water which causes my acidity level to rise up real frequently. This means that unless I feed myself with water in an atleast-1-glass-per-hour basis, then my kidney would never return to it hydrating state again. So, every now and then I have to refill my bottle of water and visit the washroom (the part which I really hate) to keep the pain away.
So how does that make a connection to freedom? Let me get to the sad part. The water therapy that is recommended to me is REALLY water therapy. Water yesterday, water now, water later, and water tomorrow. For the past few days I have been drinking no other liquids (except milk) than water. I have been dismally derived from the victuals that used to keep my taste buds gloriously energetic and are those that practically are still taken by normal people my age or even not. I miss soft drinks, cola or Mountain Dew, and since I am unfortunately “salty-toothed”, I have to say goodbye temporarily to curls and chips, French Fries, or anything at all that has salt in them. I can take some but those that appear in finer amounts. The week has been hellish, but for my own sake, I have to ride onto this jeep of wellness.
Pretty much as you can see, I have been derived of my freedom to eat what I want. You might say that this thing that I am undergoing now makes me think that if that is the case, then we are not really free. Actually not. This experience tells me a lot of things about freedom. If I look into the past, I could admit that I was free to eat whatever that pleased my eyes and get my tongue enthusiastic. But sadly, I abused that freedom. I had the opportunity, the freedom to take good care of myself before but I landed into the other side of the field. I was careless and undeniably reckless, and I had to hear my kidneys weeping for help before I finally stop.
If I were derived from those things now, that is because I was not responsible enough in handling my own freedom. Had I taken the more nutritious foods with a sufficient amount of water, and not to worsen things by taking in coke, I would’ve well reached the homeostatic state of my body. There wouldn’t have been any problem at all. But with how I moved, I really deserve whatever I have to undergo today. And good for me because I was given another chance to straighten my stooping back.
Now, I could say I am in the disciplinary mode. Discipline. It is what that I also lacked when I was wreaking a lot of consumption of those health-endangering foods. The next time that my freedom will be given back to me, I already have learned a lot of lesson to become careless again.
So are humans free? Yes we are. But the freedom humans have is not ABSOLUTE. It comes with great responsibility and hanging on its tail is real discipline. Unless we are hurting ourselves (like what I did with my right kidney), or step onto other people’s shoes, then we can do it without the hang of being derived of that freedom one day. But we also have the freedom to abuse, and that is our choice. If we choose to abuse that freedom, certainly, it will let us pay in return.
In my reflection, I guess freedom shall never work on a one-way street basis. We are given freedom; we give back responsibility and discipline. It follows the it-takes-two-to-tango statement. Freedom is not just one beautiful word. If you do not read “responsibility” and “discipline” between the lines, then you might not enjoy freedom at its best.
flunk
September 25, 2005I have things to work on for tomorrow. We were suckers (sorry for the word but that’s the most appropriate word of all words I could find) during our thesis presentation. We exceeded the time given. Real suckers. We flunked and that really left me feeling stupid because we prepared so much for that thing. For that day! Sometimes it keeps me thinking it was because that day, my shitty kidneys exploded to give me such an extreme pain which I was apparently too weak to handle. Maybe, if I had not cried out too much that MOnday night, I still would’ve taken the pain and all that.
TOmorrow’s thing is another thing. It’s for another subject. And since positive thinking hates me, I’d say we’ll flunk again tomorrow. That’s what we are, flunkers (if there’s such a word).
On my way to a healthy me
September 22, 2005Yesterday was a day for health realization. I knew that my health is going out of the way, and it’s not getting any better.
I cannot bring myself to list them all up here because I may just create a pathetic + lonely = I hate this Blog output. My pains should be nobody else’ but mine alone. Atleast that was what one person told me - to lock my pains in my own internal prison.
But, on the brighter side, I am still fortunate that I have had this known as early as yesterday. People who love me always told me to rest and take good care of myself and stop being stressed and sleep and yadda yadda. I have always ignored them because of the pressures, and because I wanted to earn good grades. Look at me now, I am 94 pound gaga, and unfit.
So, glad to announce that I am on my way to a healthy me. Yes, this time, I should get serious. I have dreams. And all my sickness are shipping me away from them. I will not let them jail me in on that ship forever. I will escape while I still can, take a small boat, and jump into the ocean, regardless of what it may take me. I am not risking my dreams now because I am not healthy. I will row my boat towards my dreams, slowly but surely. I promise I will be well beginning this time.
