my award-winning essay..wahahaha!!
September 6, 2005Ok..it is not really award winning. It did not win anything special or notable, maybe just the heart of my literature teacher…
The essay has no title, but it is written for Paz Marquez Benitez’ Dead Stars, which is so far my favorite story in the whole world of literature. I am proud that it is a work of my fellow Filipina.
When my teacher distributed the essays, she first called my name. My essay was on top! But of course, I did not think it was in a particular order. Who would arrange essays according to their remarks? That is just not a trend. Perhaps more like my dream..hehehe..
So my paper was on top, and then when I took the paper, there wasn’t anything violet (for she loved using violet sign pens) on it. I even uttered “nohay score” just in front of my prof. I think she did not hear me though, not with the crowd my other classmates were creating while looking for their essay papers at her table.
My essay was an eight-paged paper, the longest essay submitted in class. I was timid about telling that to my classmates, for their essays were three-paged at most. I was silently wondering that time how did they compress everything in three pages, when in fact, each page were double-spaced. Their essays were so short, I was afraid I was already committing the “going around the bush” crime already! I glanced at my paper at the third page. Oh sheets, I was just starting to explain why the story was entitled Dead Stars on that part!
When we submitted it, I kept it along the other papers promptly, so others wouldn’t have to spot the thickness of my work.
When I received it a few hours ago, I scanned through the pages and found, finally, some violet ink on some parts of my essay. I smiled, after expecting a bad comment, when I saw a “very good” remark somewhere at the middle of my work. And if that was not enough for my satisfaction, I saw another violet-scribbled “true!” remark on another paragraph. I was deeply and silently proud of what I said on that part of the essay. That was a self-realization, which my teacher agreed so, and as a student, that is something for me.
On that paragraph, I said, “But love, for me, and from the situations I have seen and encountered in my life, does not go hand in hand with practicality. One somehow, has to do some battling with the odds. And if one decides to join the battle, he is absolutely not being practical.” Wow! How true that is! And I realized that on my own!
And to make me more joyous and cheerful and have a really wide smile shape on my lips, I saw another “very good” remark at the foot of the last page of my essay. It was an overall observation! Nobody ever, not one teacher I had since high school, affirmed my essays with such. It is only “very good”, I understand, and it may be so common for you, but it clearly is something for me. Am I being mushy now? Oh please just leave me be…
And of course, the best thing ever, a proof that my essay won the heart of my literature prof, was the perfect 90 points she granted it. Perfect 40 for content, another 40 for organization, and 10 points for presentation. Oh sheets…I got a 100% grade for that essay!
I could die! hehehe!
In truth, I could say, na pinaghirapan ko rin naman ng husto iyon. I gave my best to that essay, and I wrote it with all my passions on writing.
Like I said to someone else, I am the happiest frustrated essayist at this moment in the universe, and nothing could ever divert me away from this feeling.
8/25/05-00:55
Dead Stars (my essay)
The story of Dead Stars, written by Paz Marquez Benitez in 1925, revolves around love among three people: Alfredo, Esperanza, and Julia.
Alfredo Salazar, a lawyer on his early thirties then, was betrothed to Esperanza, whom he loved so much in his youth–Esperanza, who was beautiful, reserved, elegant, and distinctly not average. They were about to be wedded the following month, May, after about four years of engagement, although Alfredo seemed uncertain of his real wants. It is not to mean though that Alfredo is afraid to commit. He just fell in love with another woman on the six weeks preceding his and Esperanza’s matrimony.
The woman he fell in love with was a visitor to their town. He first met her when he decided to do some “neighboring” with his father, Don Julian, in Judge Del Valle’s house. It was not in his nature to do such, but perhaps out of fate, he allowed himself to be swayed. He seemed to have no regrets about it. Not when he met Julia Salas, Judge Del Valle’s sister-in-law.
They have found themselves in good company since. It was always a moment to cherish for both, particularly for Alfredo, that since then, he had been making the “neighboring” thing a habit. Each Sunday, instead of waiting for his girl (Esperanza) after mass, he was engrossed in giving his newfound love a visit.
Julia had given him new life. He admits the fact that he was incomparably happier with Julia than with Esperanza, but it is, too, a pain for him to hurt his fiancée. Julia is unlike Esperanza in more ways, one being that she was certainly less beautiful (physically) than her. It may be that, but she possesses some traits Alfredo found distinctively hers, and which traits that really caught him off the hook.
Those six weeks had gone too fast, although they were also full of meaning and of sweetness on the whole. Alfredo knew that he was giving Julia something he was not free to give, but he was “on all fours” in love that he lived only to the where he was, and lived it intensely with her beloved. He found it easy being with her, so easy that he could forget his worries about how the world would meddle him when they knew–Esperanza particularly.
Julia had been similarly enfolded with joy being with Alfredo, but his place was not home to her. One time while they were at the beach, a part of Don Julian’s farm, she told him of her parents’ wish for her to come home for the Holy Week. Before she left she told him of Calle Luz, a street in Santa Cruz where their house was situated, and also out of Alfredo’s insistence.
It was a heavy while for Alfredo— love, bewilderment, and pain altogether. If he were freer, he knew he would have decisively married Julia. But the circumstances just did not seem to allow such a chance. He struggled with the pain of having to choose between something he wanted to do against something he should do. Like he said, he wanted to be fair to himself first, but it is difficult. He would’ve wanted to do otherwise, but as he said, “there is a point where a thing escapes us and rushes downward of its own weight, dragging us along. Then it is foolish to ask whether one will or will not, because it no longer depends on him.” For his case, one, he was engaged with another woman for so long a time that to throw it all away in a snap would not only raise many eyebrows, but would crush Esperanza’s heart into pieces. Second, although he wouldn’t have wanted so, it was time for Julia to go back to her home place, far away from Alfredo’s.
In the end, we have flashed forward to eight years, and we realize that Alfredo had not chosen to act on his feelings and pursue Julia. Instead, he had chosen to marry his fiancée. He was not unhappy in his marriage; in fact he found his life to have simply ordered itself. But the thought of Julia, should he have chosen her, was haunting him like wildfire. She and their brief colorful past were always on his mind, although he did not want to linger on those thoughts, for those thoughts were memories too painful and futile that one prefers to just forget. By chance, he was having a trip to Santa Cruz in connection to his being a lawyer, where he had the opportunity to visit Julia. He wanted to resist the temptation, but it was distracting him to a certain extent. Finally, he found Calle Luz. He found her house, and was certain indeed that she was sitting at the window of it. He was right. Considering eight years, he found that Julia hasn’t really changed much. They had a little chat, where he knew that he missed sitting opposite her, missed being with her simply, and looking thoughtfully into her fine dark eyes. Overall, it was almost the same as yesterday. Almost. Yes, something was incredibly missing– a very significant one, but he could not seem to figure it out. He wanted so much to realize that he tried and held her hand before leaving to see. And then he knew. There was essentially a significant thing missing—there was no magic.
That hold didn’t quite much draw him in. He was, in fact, emotionless as a clod. He found out that whether or not she still cared, it barely bothered him anymore. His love for Julia, once like the stars, once bringing about him a feeling of exuberance, emotion almost devoid of any sadness, almost free, passionately beautiful, but too far from his reach that he could only will to live on it alone in his thoughts; to dream. They were unreachable stars he had been trying to cling to, and long for. And why not, when in those times that he was with her, he was a completely different person– renewed perhaps, but it was something he loved and enjoyed of himself. Now, those were only living jewels of the past, some memoirs he could always go back to and reminisce with. Past. He thought they were still there, but they died on themselves with time without his knowing. He adhered too much to those dreams he hardly noticed that it was through. His love for Julia, after eight years, is still like the stars, but those whose lives have long exhausted and passed away—dead stars.
Apparently, “he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens.”
Realizing that left him lost, hollow, empty, home sick. But fortunately for him, he realized he was only in love with the idea of love, and was not really in love with Julia, afterall.
Dead Stars - just like Alfredo, a lot of us see them in our “heaven” of thoughts. Sometimes we feel as if the feeling is still there, that in one moment during our present, we recall these memories that had packed our past emotions with a sky of rainbows, enough to make us feel in love and hurt all in a short while. These dead stars are “things we remember occasionally, not solely because of the other person, but because of who we were at the time. The other person doesn’t even play a big part in the production anymore; he or she is just a character, a supporting role. The main attraction is how it made us feel, the relationship, the emotions involved.” (Caravaggio, www.peyups.com)
The story reflects a lot of things: one being that even if we have the free will, sometimes we have to ride to where society demands of us to ride onto. Alfredo certainly was concerned of his social status–the what-would-people-say idea. Apart from that, he was also trying to be a gentleman, which is just, in fact, reasonable for the time setting. People of the past, the Filipinos to be straight, are conservative and traditional. It is in our roots to be concerned of what society will speak of us with regards to our actions. That was why Alfredo had chosen Esperanza – it was undoubtedly out of duty, and not out of love. He felt he had to “do” it, or he’ll risk his relationship with his family, Esperanza’s family, the neighbors perhaps, and many other relationships. He may have had no regrets about it, actually he wasn’t unhappy with his marriage, but it wasn’t said that he was happy either. He have found his life to have no more struggles, no more stirring up of emotions that got a man nowhere precisely because there were no ringing confusions on his head, no more prying eyes he was constantly worried about while he was out spending time with Julia. The society had simply silenced itself, because there was nothing to query about. What it expects of him, he did—end of story.
Yet also, another bell was ringing on his mind. Supposed there would be no threatening complications, it is clear that it would be Julia. In his heart, he knew it would have been her. It was what he wanted to do, against marrying her fiancée, which is what he should do. So, that, all these “ringings” affected his relationship with his wife. He may have been kind to her, gentle, even tender, but he was always immeasurably far away, beyond her reach.
If the setting of the story were in the 21st century, still there’d be neighbors whispering–that does not change– but people will care less. It is something included in the list of “normal occurrences” today. No severe shock – people are used to broken engagements, run-away grooms or brides, broken marriages, even divorce. These situations have become more acceptable in the society today.
Sometimes, one really has to consider the voice of the society. All because this “society” includes our family, our parents especially, relatives, our peers, friends, significant others or any, who we still need to live life. These are people who will be affected, be it on the first degree, second and following–the thing is, they will get affected with our decisions. It may be ideal that we include their voice in decision-making situations just to be fairer.
But also, one must never forget his voice – his heart’s voice to be exact. I always believe that one does not really have to always conform to the society with regards to how he will act upon a certain issue, most especially if the issue is love.
If I were Alfredo, despite all the complications and consequences it will bear, I will choose to defy society. I will choose Julia, and not be a pretender. To pretend brings about pain that could get stern as time goes by. Despite the time setting, or even the place setting, I say it is in my nature to give 70% consideration to my heart when love is the matter. Why? Because the “feeling” of love itself originates from the heart, therefore, it deserves to be given a greater chance to speak. Time? Love cannot be measured by time. One could even fall in love in a day! Six weeks is fair enough. It is possible to fall in love in a span of six weeks; it happens. Am I not afraid of a mistake? No. Everyone commits mistakes. If the love I felt was not love afterall, like what Alfredo discovered in the end, it is always worth the discovery. But also, given that I can be with Julia, could simply nourish more the little love we had. At the very least, I do not have to deal with the what-if’s dilemma through the years of my life. And we would have been happier.
Clearly, the most practical thing to do was marry my fiancée. But love, for me, and from the situations I have seen and encountered in my life, does not go hand in hand with practicality. One somehow, has to do some battling with the odds. And if one decides to join the battle, he is absolutely not being practical.
It does not matter to me if being with the one I love, (in the story’s case, Julia) means becoming a social outcast. Choosing Julia is certainly not punishable by law, and it doesn’t mean that if I choose her we will be exiled. Even so, the world is big, and there will always be a place where we could be, away from the snooping eyes of society, even if that place is new and totally strange to us. The significant thing is, each and every day I could go home to my lover’s arms. No matter where in the world that is, it will always be home as long as she is there.
It may be a fight so long and stressing, a combat against all odds, but that is what my heart tells me – to ready my spear and fight if I have to; and that I will positively obey – no matter what the cost.
Paz Marquez Benitez’ work is a story of the sheen of love long faded, though still glimpsed as shining; an alluring romantic story about having to choose between someone one has known for so short a time, but have loved him and still loves him in the present, and the one he has loved in the past, and have known for such a considerable time. It is almost like a game of love; Alfredo, Esperanza and Julia being the players, and the other faculties as the audience, including readers, crossing fingers on what happens next, on who would win.
So who did win among the three?
Alfredo Salazar will never be the winner. First, he was always the one “juggling” in the story – always hurt and confused. The fact that he was not able to make the choices he wanted to make is an indication that he is not the one. He was not able to marry the woman that he loved, or discover more the woman he wants to be with. He chose Esperanza because it was impossible to do otherwise. It was to satisfy the call of society, and because he was just being a gentleman. In the end, as well, we recognize that he was seeing dead stars. He thought he was still in love with Julia, but finds out sooner through a hold that he isn’t anymore. It was another loss he experienced – that mere actuality has robbed him of his dream.
Alfredo chose Esperanza, does that make her the winner? Definitely not. If one is married for any reason but love, he or she will never be joyous. Of course, love can never be born out of training; love is born out of itself, and it just happens. The fact though, that Alfredo was much too curved with his past made him an almost stranger to his wife–someone who may be near and tangible but seems so far away. It is a pain for any woman to experience such from a man she loves, not to mention if he is her husband.
Julia cannot be called a victor, too. She was not chosen by her love and that is a matter for losing. Knowing that someone you love is with somebody else, regardless if he does or does not love that woman, is killing. If ever Julia knew that she was whom Alfredo would have wanted to be with for the rest of his life, which I think she knew, it surely hurts her that he was not so courageous in giving their love a fight. There was not even a chance of winning because in the beginning yet, one of them has surrendered.
Hence, nobody really won in that “game” of love. It was all about losing in the end. And for me certainly, it was a loss out of the wrong choices made, wide of the mark decisions. But also, it is a part of the human weakness – we all get wrong once in a while. The thing for the story is, no matter how much love we get lost at, there is always redemption. For these dead stars, they will always be there to bring us back to the past, make us feel things over and over again. But, we have to recognize the past from the present, and certainly, where we should be, where we have to live, should be in the present. We have to learn to let go if need be, or else we’ll find ourselves feeling empty and as if we have lost something significant. In short, no matter how much of our stars die, life must always go on.
And best, we must never let those dead stars turn into black holes.
There’s this Woman Named Circumcision..hehehe
Yes..that is the title of the assigned text we have to read for History. Naming. How surnames started in the Philippines. Thanks, (or does he deserve that?) to Narciso Claveria, we all have these sari-sari surnames in the country - from the social sounding Spanish adaptations to the funny native surnames.
The article also talked about how Filipinos are fond of deriving names from occasions, saints, or feasts..
So, yes, thus became a reason for this woman’s name: Circumcision. How would that have made her feel?
Anyway, reading through the artice made me remember of my childhood. How I usually, and unnecessarily fuss about my name. For some reasons I cannot display it here (I cannot even display my profile..hehehe), so I’ll just say something about it.
It all started when I took notice on the name of my mother(which I’m afraid I also cannot mention), and the names of her friends. The next time, I thought of the names of my teachers, adult neighbors–all their names were fit for them– Belen, Minda, Cecil, Malou, Anita, Nora, and many others. I kept on saying to myself that their names are so like their ages. I’m sorry but it was my young, naive, immature mind thinking. Yes, how weird that was for me at that time. Their names are so adult-sounding. I did not have any playmate who was named Nora or Malou. Our names were kiddish, just as we were.
I imagined myself adult once. I did not see the full details of my adult self, save the fact that I were taller and…well, taller is all I can remember. I tried calling that adult me with my name. Yikes! I found it awkward! I wondered, maybe mama and papa had a mistake on my name. Did they not think whether that name would still fit me if I ever grow up? I was thinking I should have an adult-sounding name too when I am older.
So I was thinking then, did these people change their names to sound that way? Did they do something else to make their names fit for their ages? Should I change my name then? How? Where do I go? How do I let everyone know? What name would I apply to myself then? Oh noes..WHAT NAME?
Now, almost 10 years or more has gone, and I still have this name. I am almost an adult, yet my name still fits me. Atleast I think so. It is amazing…what was I thinking at that time? Changing my name? Oh no no no…
What a crazy little mind I had…
I do not really love my name, atleast not all of it. I love one of my names, which is as well my nick name, and I could not afford not to include it whenever I have to write my full name somewhere. Others do not care to write their second names, but I, even how hurried I am at the moment, will never want to miss that second name. Good thing I was, for the whole 4 years of high school, the class secretary. That way, I wouldn’t have to correct anyone for writing my name incompletely. Anyhow, sometimes, people are just too tired (or lazy) when it would be their turn to list down names, and if I see my name incomplete, oh no! I will readily get a pen and fill it with the missing favorite name of mine!
The thing is, I dislike my first name. Not that it is common, I just hate how it sounds. It is not me…
But, when the two is paired up and pronounced as one, this time I really have to thank my mother for giving me this name.
See how weird and funny our minds could be when we are young, and how particular we are with our names?
I realized that my parents did not have a mistake. They were just in their right minds naming me this way. Atleast my name do not sound old-like! Hehehe..
I also thought, if I had a kid, why would I name her with those names? Oh no..I will name her the best name I could think of.
Well the best name for me since high school, which I used to apply when I have to give sentence examples, is Julia.
What’s with that name?! I just really love it..I do not even know why.
8/24/05-22:31
If Only
“He loved her like there was no tomorrow..”
This is the movie I was talking about. Called “If Only”, starring Jennifer Hewitt and Paul Nichols, I really thought it was a typical romantic-drama film of regret and second chance. I chose it over “The Crash”, which I was supposed to watch that time, because I wanted to feel the teasing “kilig” we call here - a funny little emotion one feels when he or she is in love.
Well, who would have thought the movie wasn’t really like that?
The movie hasn’t reached its half when Samantha (Hewitt) faced death by a car accident. The scene was so poignant, I was feeling crushed myself. Why crushed? Well, the accident actually occured just in front of the Ian (Nichols). How would you react if you were at his place? How would you take an event when the life of your loved one was taken away just in front of you?
Well, there was a sort of rewind in the story — yes, yesterday came back. He tried to cahnge the course of things, but knowing in the later part of the day that he could never change what is about to happen (the death of his girlfriend) no matter how much he tries to change it, or no matter how much he tries to let her escape from it, he just made the day beautiful for her, made the most out of it and showed how much she means the world to her. At 5 minutes preceding the death, he told her every single thing he wanted to tell her. He said that it was she who taught him how to love, how to live life well, and that he knows he will never be this way if not for her.
At the car he kissed her the most passionate, the most loving kiss he could ever give her. He hugged her tight. Samantha was starting to get confused, more so when he was starting to get nervous and disturbed. When he knew it was time, he hugged her and tried to shield her from the car that bumped them.
So who was dead? No, not both of them. Not Samantha. It was Ian (Nicholls).
Well indeed, “he loved her like there was no tomorrow,” because today was his time to say goodbye.
I loved the movie. It made me think how time and choice correlate each other; how our choices affect what will be the “later” in our lives; how much little time we have here on earth and how we should make the most out of it; how futile it is to love someone so much, yet cannot show it; how to know that you love someone is not just enough — you have to “love” that someone.
But for me, the best and the most touching message was,
“I love you. You love me. Take this gift, and don’t ask why.”
It means that when you know you love each other, just love each other. Do not confuse yourselves with the why’s of it. It is something naturally felt, a gift that seems so reachable by the hand, seemingly common to humanity, but not really, genuinely felt by many. To love and be loved is the best best present not only in the world of emotion, but the world itself.
Midterm Exams
It’s Tuesday. Four “exhilirating” (?) exams down. Three more and it’s all over.
I am so tired. Do you have an idea how many Gatorade bottles have I collected? Oh, don’t ask now, you should have a clear idea of the answer already…
Why Gatorade? Caffeine, from coffee, gives about a lot of side effects to my body, aside from the expected nervousness. Besides that, I feel drained everytime the stimulating effect starts warding off. I always feel I couldn’t do anything.
Anyway, I felt that my blog site has been almost left out this week. It makes me sad to see no new post, when the fact is I have a lot of thoughts pacing on my head that I really wanted to write down here, or type, that is. But, I have these exams to prioritize. As much as I would like to post, I also do not want my remarks to be printed red just because I listened on my niggling instinct to write here..
I am just tired now, and I’m sleepy..nevertheless, it is worth the while to write something here to ease all my stress…they say when you do something you love, you’ll be fine, and you could do more. I hope that’s true.
I wish this week was over. Oh, how I wish for that!
Maybe I’ll say something about how the exams went next week..now’s not really appropriate.
8/16/05-17:44
