flunk
September 25, 2005I have things to work on for tomorrow. We were suckers (sorry for the word but that’s the most appropriate word of all words I could find) during our thesis presentation. We exceeded the time given. Real suckers. We flunked and that really left me feeling stupid because we prepared so much for that thing. For that day! Sometimes it keeps me thinking it was because that day, my shitty kidneys exploded to give me such an extreme pain which I was apparently too weak to handle. Maybe, if I had not cried out too much that MOnday night, I still would’ve taken the pain and all that.
TOmorrow’s thing is another thing. It’s for another subject. And since positive thinking hates me, I’d say we’ll flunk again tomorrow. That’s what we are, flunkers (if there’s such a word).
On my way to a healthy me
September 22, 2005Yesterday was a day for health realization. I knew that my health is going out of the way, and it’s not getting any better.
I cannot bring myself to list them all up here because I may just create a pathetic + lonely = I hate this Blog output. My pains should be nobody else’ but mine alone. Atleast that was what one person told me - to lock my pains in my own internal prison.
But, on the brighter side, I am still fortunate that I have had this known as early as yesterday. People who love me always told me to rest and take good care of myself and stop being stressed and sleep and yadda yadda. I have always ignored them because of the pressures, and because I wanted to earn good grades. Look at me now, I am 94 pound gaga, and unfit.
So, glad to announce that I am on my way to a healthy me. Yes, this time, I should get serious. I have dreams. And all my sickness are shipping me away from them. I will not let them jail me in on that ship forever. I will escape while I still can, take a small boat, and jump into the ocean, regardless of what it may take me. I am not risking my dreams now because I am not healthy. I will row my boat towards my dreams, slowly but surely. I promise I will be well beginning this time.
distorted Ateneo reputation
September 16, 2005I am here because I needed a scholarship to get me to school. I have scouted everywhere, by my own self (thank you) and without the need of my parents, my teachers or anybody else’ aid. I went to places to apply, but I got the best offers from where I am now.
Nevertheless, I hate that I am one of them at present. Whether I like it or not, the definition of an Atenean to other people is as well already defined in me. People who look at my blue and white uniform look at me as if wanting to distance from me. You could see from their eyes that a message, and most probably a not-so-likable one is processing in their heads about you. Well not really about you, but since you wear that blue and white uniform, since you belong there now, then it’s also you.
My cousin, a HS junior at the same school where I graduated from, told me she hated Ateneo, because accordingly, it is Pugad ng Prostitusyon. Being one who stayed in this school, I got hurt with that, although not entirely, because being here told me it isn’t really real. I mean, yes, there are still the conios and the social climbers and the real social classes, but you can always find the people whom you can be with, and as long as you do not mind their (conios, et al) businesses then it’s not really too big a deal. Isa pa, a lot of beauties and rich students here are just better off with their cash and their faces. I have one silent thing better than them, and it’s my brain.
The Beacon magazine was released just today, instead of last month. In fact, it is already delayed and yet they added to the crap by not producing copies enough for the student body. I actually didn’t get a copy myself, and I had to resort to borrowing one from my classmate who happens to have it but is not actually interested with it.
So what is the deal with Beacon? It’s not the copies. It’s because of an article that proved cases of prostitution in school. How shameful could that be. Mabuti sana if the reason was to get a good education. I mean, why don’t you just read:
“Gusto ko talagang mag-aral dito kasi you know, sikat, di tulad nung dati kong school (laughs). Eh, mahal ang tuition fee, di naman kaya ng parents ko kaya nung nakita ko yung kapitbahay ko, nagtatrabaho di siya sa bar kaya naisipan ko, why not? Ambisyosa ako, eh.” - *Erin
Isn’t that a shallow reason? And it isn’t that a good enough proof of this school’s distorted reputation, that it draws a bunch of students because of it’s mere kasikatan, because it is Ateneo, because rich kids study here? And isn’t this statement enough to assert that really, one day this school could be a nest for prostitutes?
I do not want to conclude that it’s just because of ambition. I cannot blame them for doing it dahil mahirap nga naman talaga ang daloy ng pera ngayon. But I would have raised my respect for these people if they do it because they really want the EDUCATION. The Ateneo Education, far from just the mere satisfaction of their luho’s.
If they were in it because they thirst for knowledge, wisdom, and learning itself, I daresay I respect them far more than those who study in our school because they are rich and they just wanted to flaunt it around the campus, with their brains sleeping. But to feed some desires that are least significant, tangible, and can be stolen by any means, to appear as someone they aren’t, well…
Oh well, what can I do…it’s their choices. It’s their lives. Live and let live.
The Laramie Project
September 14, 2005It’s SIMO in school. It means Social Involvement month. It’s a great event because really, students get to be socially involved. Just last meeting, we viewed a docu-movie, called the Laramie Project, a part of it’s programme, which practically covered our History period.
Laramie Project is quite unfamiliar. In fact, had I not viewed it last Tuesday, I wouldn’t have known. Laramie is common to the ears of US citizens, primarily those who have had their minds already receptive to their environment by 1998. I was on my 6th grade that time here in the Philippines.
Laramie, Wyoming: the murder-place of Matthew Shepard on the early month of October, for the mere reason of his gay sexuality. Was the reason for his murder worth his heinous death? I think not.
Matt was just 5′2, killed by around 5′7 individuals, tied on a fence to minus his chance of escape, hit on the head for a frustrating number of times that caused him a serious skull fracture and internal head bleeding. When he was found 18 hours after the crime, he had blood all over, save the area where his tears flowed when he cried. After a few quiet and heavy days on the hospital, he finally gave up.
Why was he brutally killed? Because he was gay. Such a shallow reason. Such a shallow cause. Such an overwhelming effect. He was obviously killed because he is not among the common, because he was different. His being homosexual was not welcomed by those who took away his life.
The movie was so heavy, it triggered tears to come out of my eyes. The television was only 2-3 meters directly in front of me. Whatever came out of it easily shocked the hell out of me.
I wonder why gays and lesbians have to receive such treatment. Not murder really, but the simple daily act that is visible to us—discrimination. We have to think that their sexuality is not their sin. It was because that thing made them happy and comfortable with themselves. The struggle that they have to undergo for self-discovery, understanding of self-worth, and for the acceptance of what they really are are already difficult phases for them. What more with the fact that, when they finally accepted what they are, others cannot already accept them?
Would we want the same thing happen to us? Is deprivation of our own happiness and dignity something that’s almost to nothing?
Why don’t we just live and let live?
here we go again..
September 11, 2005there’s a song playing on my mind..
–<>–
here I go again,
standing in your arms crying
here you go again
make me forget everything
you keep me smiling
they say our love is just a phase
who believes that anyway?
but I’m going to far
I wanna be where you are
–<>–
I want to get over these 2 years and be with you. I want to be where you are…Why is life making things difficult for both of us? We haven’t any other fault but loving each other. Why are you so far away from me?
–<>–
Here I go again
Standing in your arms crying
It starts all over again
Baby, I love you
I wanna be where you are
–<>–
